Silent and still

by admin on February 12, 2018

This post was originally written on June 11th 2017.  I wasn’t ready to share it then, but I think I am now.

 

We’ve had a rough couple of weeks here.  My last post was about life just beginning, and it was for me and my baby.  I’ve had three miscarriages in the past, the last one a year ago June.  Everything looked good this time, progressing as it should.  I went in on a Friday afternoon for a regular appointment, which I get more frequently for advanced maternal age (I won’t say anymore about that).  The midwife did the ultrasound, but there didn’t seem to be any movement and she couldn’t see the heartbeat.  She sent me to radiology for another ultrasound to try and find the heartbeat.  I prayed and prayed that they were wrong, but it was not to be.  Sometimes God says “No”.  That can be a hard thing to accept.  At midnight that night, I delivered our son Benedict.  I know he is in Heaven with God, but it still hurts.  I’m not sad for Benedict, I’m sad for me.  I’ll never get to watch him as he sleeps or hear him laugh.  I’ll never get to kiss his sweet baby face again.

When I posted about the birth of my niece, I said that the birth of a child forever changes the world.  It does, even when that birth is silent and still.  It changes you and those around you who care for you and your child.  There is sadness and tears, shock and pain.  And in time, acceptance and healing.  I don’t think I’m there yet.

I search for answers, hoping to find some reason. Because if I have a reason, I can find a way to fix it for next time, if there is one.  I was so excited about the possibilities.  I never imagined it would end this way, with empty arms and what ifs.

Through all of this, through my sadness and despair, I feel God with me. Those moments when I feel my throat get tight and the tears start to burn my eyes, I feel Him near me.  In those moments, I offer it all to Him, in hopes that He will take it and make it into something good.  My sufferings can bring some good into this world.  He thinks I am strong enough to carry this burden.  I trust God, and He is never wrong.

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